Dinner at Ted's and observations from other random conversations

Some of you know that I organize a once a month dinner club for friends and friends of friends to explore new restaurants in the city, meet new people, and have interesting conversation.  I am somewhat of a foodie and started organizing these dinners a few years ago because I wanted to go out to nice dinners but was on a dating fast at the time (and usually you go to restaurants like these on dates), so why not organize a "dinner club?" For this summer, I have themed my picks as the "Summer of Celebrity" and am picking restaurants that are owned by well-known celebrities or have been featured on a national program.  For whatever reason, this month I felt lazy (I say this, because I usually never choose restaurants that are part of national chains) and picked Ted's Montana Grill as it is owned by one of Atlanta's most famous (or infamous) celebrities, media mogul Ted Turner.  I organized for last Thursday night.  


On the way from my office to the restaurant, I swear it had to be one of the worst traffic days in Atlanta.  I passed two wrecks, including one on Johnson Ferry Road by the Chattahoochee that would be analogous to the topic of conversation at dinner as well as the thoughts comprising this blog post.  I saw an eight (give or take) car pileup just shy of Riverside Drive in which many of the cars had their entire front ends smashed in and their drivers were standing aside on the road dazed and confused.  


I got to Ted's, and found that the party had been cut in half (partly because of the weather), and that I was the only guy at the table that night.  And what did we talk about?  


Dating... and especially first dates.


See the correlation with Johnson Ferry Road?  


Now, most of you know that I don't blog on the particulars of my own dating life, although some of my blogs have been inspired by it.  So, in light of that, the gross details of the conversation (such as names, dates, places) will be removed to protect the guilty (or the innocent, depending on your point of view).  


Most of the conversation was pretty nondescript... but it started because a guy had followed up on a casual first date with a text message asking for the second date and the girl was obviously not interested in talking to this guy again and wanted to know if she should respond to said text.  To be quite honest, in thinking about it I'm not sure what I would do if I were in her shoes.  All I know is that unless you don't have means to ask in person or over the phone, texting is not an emotionally appropriate way to ask a girl out.  I can consider myself fairly clueless on some occasions, but that I do know.  


On the nondescript side, we talked about what you would "do" on a first date.  They thought that my idea of doing a baseball game on a first date wasn't real great, but polling the audience most of the girls at the table were not baseball fans so I'm not so sure.  For the most part, I'm a pretty big fan of doing something activity-based (which is why I like baseball... but then again, I just like baseball...  period) or a short meeting over a caffeinated beverage from an institution inspired by a Seattle-based coffee chain that we all know and love.  


On the desrcript side, I walked away from dinner amazed at how many really bad date stories girls had, and some of the things that guys would do.  I think I posed this question as "I'm curious as to what 'other guys' do because I'm a guy and obviously don't experience what you do."  I think I posed this question partly to boost my ego (I'm friends with a lot of girls that I have taken out, and so I know that even though I haven't found "the one" yet that I must be doing something right), but also because I wanted to get some insights that could help me be a better guy - and why not take advantage of the opportunity, right?  


Well, I think my ego was boosted and I broke for us guys, especially us nice guys that really want to get married (and probably married way too badly), because what I heard was kind of scary.  The obvious is the guys that don't ask girls out unless they have been given a green light from God to marry the girl (talk about pressure!), who don't date anyone and then pour all of their hopes and dreams on this poor girl who just wants to get to know someone.   What was really shocking were the stories of guys asking about how many children a girl wanted, if they would leave their career when they had kids, or said something to the lines of "you'd make a great wife" before they had said "good night" from the first date -or- even worse on Facebook chat before the first date was even asked for.  What is this, electronic pre-screening?  


If you -ARE- one of these guys or have purposefully and intentionally done any of this, please chill out.  Seriously, please chill out.  


It's just coffee.  It's just dinner.  If she's really supposed to be your wife, I'm sure she may be more open to this conversation three months into the relationship.  


It kind of makes me understand why some girls are taking a year off. 


That goes to my next thought.  A few months ago, Andy concluded a series entitled "The New Rules of Love, Sex, and Dating" and finished the series by encouraging singles who were convicted that they needed to take a step back to really become the person God wanted them to be in a future marriage to take a year off from dating.  All dating... period.  I know a few good friends that are taking this journey now, or have taken this journey in the past.  


I applaud them all.  Especially the girls that I know that really could get any guy to ask them out.  


If you are doing this, for whatever reason....

• You need to detox from the emotional damage of past dysfunctional relationships
• Sex in your world is synonymous with dating
• The dream of getting married is your god, and everything you do revolves around meeting "the one."  
• or any other reason...

I applaud you.  Don't give up, and let God show Himself to be glorious, all-sufficient, and everything that you desire that you're attempting to find in dating.  

About 4 years ago, I officially took 6 months off dating (and wish I would have taken longer) because marriage was my god.  I needed to release it, to be free from it, and to embrace Jesus and go "all in" with Him.  I can tell you that to consciously separate yourself from something that is an idol in your life can be painful, but the investment pays off dividends big time.  For me, it has been that I've gotten my true self back, and I'm a much better friend now (at least I think so) than I was before.  

If you are someone who is interested in a girl (or girls, a guy) and find out that she is taking the one year pledge, please respect her decision!  There is nothing that makes me more upset than to hear of a guy who is persistent in pushing a date request on a girl who has surrendered this year to God... it's as if this guy values his own relational pursuits more than what God is doing in the life of this girl, and dude you are in this effort tempting her to replace God with you and that is just not right.  So don't do it.  

Last thought and I'm out for now. 

And this is a happy thought.  

This afternoon after church, I ended up grabbing lunch with a group of UpStreeters, one of whom was friends with a buddy that I asked to grab lunch with.  During lunch, we got into the "what do you do" questions and I found that this one girl worked in social media and got her start by writing a blog about the dinner dates that she has been taken on (she critiques the restaurants as a foodie), commenting both on the restaurant itself and the adventure with the dude.  When I got home, I pulled it up because I was intrigued and now have some more ideas for dinner club.  But what I really caught was a dating life where it was about the experience and having fun; and regardless of how the date went there was always a story that could be laughed about later, and in many cases she had fun (I think she's single now, so obviously Prince Charming didn't knock her socks off at the Iberean Pig).  

I think that this is a good perspective for both guys and girls to have... especially Christian guys, because in some ways I get the vibe when I have conversations with Christian girls like I had at Ted's that Christian guys are much worse dates than non-Christian guys.  Like Paul said in some other context I'm sure, "this should not be!"  If we have the Spirit of God living in us, shouldn't our dates be more life-giving than the dude whom can only offer looks, personality, money, and success?  


Could it be, that unlike them we are expecting too much from 45 minutes at Starbucks, and we need to just chill, get to know, and let the natural course of relationship happen?  Could it be that, perhaps we don't get to announce on Facebook that we are "in a relationship" quite as quickly, and that can be okay? However, just perhaps we won't create as much collateral damage from our dating life as we are, and...

Just perhaps...

in relating to the girls we date with surrender and no expectations we may have the opportunity to be life giving instead?  

Just a thought from a bunch of random thoughts.