Understanding Design
About 14 years ago, I went on my first ski trip with a group of friends from my church to Vail, Colorado. I was pretty excited, and planned to take lessons with a group of people to learn a few basics before going out to conquer the mountain.
The instructor started out by teaching us a technique commonly used by newbies called "snowplowing" (which you eventually graduate from because it's really hard on your knees and quads), because it taught us to understand how the skis were designed to help us navigate and (most importantly) stop. On the outside of the skis are blades that are used for cutting in the snow and stopping, and understanding the right technique for using that feature was the difference between conquering the black diamond slopes and sliding on your butt down a green. It took me a while to get the hang of it... I slid a lot for the first 2 days I was out there, and crashed into a lot of barriers. I earned the nickname "Wild Willy" on my first ski trips because of my lack of control skills on the slopes :-)
Skiing is pretty easy to me now... almost intuitive, but that's because I understand and work within the design of my skis, and now it's fun (It wasn't much fun for those first few days in Vail).
I started re-re-reading The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller this week because my small group is about to study it, and if any of you have read it you'll know that before Keller embarks on the book he has a passage Paul wrote to the Ephesians devoted to a page after the introduction. Those of us that have gone to church for a while know it pretty well - it's the part about wives submitting to their husbands (guys like that part) and husbands loving their wives (ladies like that part). We usually skip the commentary within those instructions because we want to "get practical" and talk about what that looks like in terms of the mutual submission Paul talks about in the verse before he goes on the "marriage role" discussion.
However, this time the commentary jumped out at me... and somehow I believe (maybe because I've read this book before) that the stuff Paul writes after "Wives submit to your husbands" and "Husbands love your wives" is SO much more important than what he writes in those commands. In some ways, this commentary is equivalent to the "this is why you snowplow" in the first hour of beginners ski school. It's understanding that the blades are there and what they are there to serve. Here they are (emphasis mine)
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. (Ephesians 5:25-28)
I've known this intellectually, but somehow I really started thinking about it this week a lot. God designed marriage in order to showcase the profound relationship between Christ and His redeemed people. Like the blades on the outside of the skis, operating marriage (and dating, for us as singles) in light of this design is the difference between a thriving, "HOLY COW HOW DO YOU LIVE LIKE THAT?" marriage and something that is tolerated, marginalized, or even discarded given our nation's crazy high divorce rate.
Now I'm not a marriage counselor, a Bible scholar (although some people in my circles probably think I am... shhhhh! Keep this a secret), or even married!! but I believe there's a couple of ideas that pop off the page from this picture.
Just as Christ sacrificed tremendously for us by coming down from Heaven, being born in a stinky food bin, living on earth, and laying down his life for us on the cross, we as guys when we are married should do similarly for our wives. This is a tremendous responsibility because we are obviously not God, but in marriage's design we are supposed to represent how He relates to us. I really believe that the only way to do this right is to live toward Christ like she is instructed to live toward us. I'll get to that in a second. Practically, what does that likely mean for us guys in American culture?
The instructor started out by teaching us a technique commonly used by newbies called "snowplowing" (which you eventually graduate from because it's really hard on your knees and quads), because it taught us to understand how the skis were designed to help us navigate and (most importantly) stop. On the outside of the skis are blades that are used for cutting in the snow and stopping, and understanding the right technique for using that feature was the difference between conquering the black diamond slopes and sliding on your butt down a green. It took me a while to get the hang of it... I slid a lot for the first 2 days I was out there, and crashed into a lot of barriers. I earned the nickname "Wild Willy" on my first ski trips because of my lack of control skills on the slopes :-)
Skiing is pretty easy to me now... almost intuitive, but that's because I understand and work within the design of my skis, and now it's fun (It wasn't much fun for those first few days in Vail).
I started re-re-reading The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller this week because my small group is about to study it, and if any of you have read it you'll know that before Keller embarks on the book he has a passage Paul wrote to the Ephesians devoted to a page after the introduction. Those of us that have gone to church for a while know it pretty well - it's the part about wives submitting to their husbands (guys like that part) and husbands loving their wives (ladies like that part). We usually skip the commentary within those instructions because we want to "get practical" and talk about what that looks like in terms of the mutual submission Paul talks about in the verse before he goes on the "marriage role" discussion.
However, this time the commentary jumped out at me... and somehow I believe (maybe because I've read this book before) that the stuff Paul writes after "Wives submit to your husbands" and "Husbands love your wives" is SO much more important than what he writes in those commands. In some ways, this commentary is equivalent to the "this is why you snowplow" in the first hour of beginners ski school. It's understanding that the blades are there and what they are there to serve. Here they are (emphasis mine)
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. (Ephesians 5:25-28)
I've known this intellectually, but somehow I really started thinking about it this week a lot. God designed marriage in order to showcase the profound relationship between Christ and His redeemed people. Like the blades on the outside of the skis, operating marriage (and dating, for us as singles) in light of this design is the difference between a thriving, "HOLY COW HOW DO YOU LIVE LIKE THAT?" marriage and something that is tolerated, marginalized, or even discarded given our nation's crazy high divorce rate.
Now I'm not a marriage counselor, a Bible scholar (although some people in my circles probably think I am... shhhhh! Keep this a secret), or even married!! but I believe there's a couple of ideas that pop off the page from this picture.
Just as Christ sacrificed tremendously for us by coming down from Heaven, being born in a stinky food bin, living on earth, and laying down his life for us on the cross, we as guys when we are married should do similarly for our wives. This is a tremendous responsibility because we are obviously not God, but in marriage's design we are supposed to represent how He relates to us. I really believe that the only way to do this right is to live toward Christ like she is instructed to live toward us. I'll get to that in a second. Practically, what does that likely mean for us guys in American culture?
- Sacrificing the desire to climb the corporate ladder to be home and build community with your wife.
- Hobbies, happy hours, time with buddies are much lower on the priority scale.
- Watch romantic comedies and take your wife out to them (unless she doesn't like them, then you're off the hook)
- Go shopping with her, and don't complain.
For us single guys, here's a couple of things I've been noodling.
- Always, and I mean always... offer to pay when you are out 1:1 with a girl, even if you're just out as friends. She doesn't have to accept (and if you're out as friends she probably won't, but I'll bet she'll appreciate the offer), but if you're unwilling to sacrifice $10 for a plate of food at Chili's or $4 for a latte at Starbucks, you may want to rethink sacrificing your entire life to a woman in marriage.
- In terms of getting involved sexually (and I mean defining it as generically as you can) before marriage, less (and I mean much less) in terms of playing around means more in terms of real intimacy... you know, communication, shared activities, inside jokes, time with mutual friends, etc. This is my challenge, if you're alone with a girlfriend in your place after 10:30pm and you really want to spend more time together, Starbucks is open till midnight, Intermezzo is open till 2am, and the Waffle House will even be open when the world's ending. Go there, and if you can't... be man enough to give her a kiss goodnight and see her the next day. Just get yourself out of the temptation zone... a guy and a girl who are attracted to one another alone in an empty house is not really a wise idea for someone wanting to be sexually pure. Just sayin. You have to be willing to sacrifice, and some times convenience of staying in is one of those sacrifices we need to man up and make.
- This may offend some of you, but I hear a lot of complaints from my single guy friends that girls' expectations are too high and "they want us to be Jesus." News flash - that's God's expectation for us too (well, we can't "actually" be Jesus but it's to live like Him). So - is it that the godly girls' expectations are too high or is our commitment to Jesus Christ and being transformed by him too low? I leave this to you to decide.
For the ladies, and I won't make any tips other than for single girls to pay attention to how guys sacrifice (stuff up above). Just as we as Christians submit to Christ and to the Holy Spirit for direction and leadership, resulting in greater intimacy and growing in holiness (which, fellas, enables us to sacrifice and "be Jesus" to our wife), that's the purpose in what Paul talks about in submission; submission to an sacrificial, devoted lover whose goal is to see you become a more radiant, internally beautiful, confident, set apart for the purpose God created you for... you. That really doesn't sound domineering, does it?
And when done right (and I have seen it done right), it looks awesome, and something that is envied by everyone, even if it's "boring" if you asked a TV sitcom writer. Not only that, if you look deeply at it, the grace and forgiveness cycling in a healthy marriage, where grace and truth are spoken and responded to well... looks like someone growing in grace. And isn't that what Paul is getting at? Marriage is supposed to look like us and Jesus. It is a picture of us receiving grace from a Savior that sacrificed everything to bring us into a deep relationship with Him, and us accepting the offer and submitting to Him to receive grace, transformation into who we were created to be, and a purpose beyond imagination. If marriage is indeed designed for this, then it would only make sense that the vision we have for it being amazing will only be realized if we operate inside of these parameters. It's like learning how to use the blades on the ends of your skis.
And that my friends is beautiful. But then again, like Paul, am I talking about marriage or about Christ and the church? :-)
The answer.... Yes.
(and I need to find a ski trip soon... ha!)
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