Forgiveness

As many of you know, I serve every week at my church with our kids services as a worship singer.  This is a really cool experience because singing is something I love, and I get to be a part of creating an environment for kids absorbing God's truth and wisdom principles that I wish I had in my life when I was a kid.  It's definitely one thing that motivates me a lot when I serve there.

And secretly (don't tell the kids this), most of us adults, including me, need the same messages.  Yes, these life lessons aren't just for 8 year olds.  Shocking.  

This month, we are talking about grace, which is a huge concept to a 29 year old much less a 9 year old (if we really understood God's grace, it would totally rock our worlds).  As a result, for most of the sessions we've really been talking about grace in the context of forgiveness, and especially today extending forgiveness to those that we don't think "deserve it."  (actually, do we ever "deserve" forgiveness?)  We tell a great story from the Bible, drive it home with a catchy bottom line, and then leave the kids to their small groups to talk about it.  

And then, we leave.  And then... you actually got to... do... it.  

Forgiveness is a great thing to talk about, but a hard thing to do.  Just keeping it real.  Because seriously, nobody really wants to be given opportunities to forgive. Having an opportunity to forgive someone means that someone did one or more of these things to you or someone you love

• Disrespected/violated your boundaries 
• Hurt you or someone you love physically or emotionally 
• Stole something of value 
• Ended or put a dream you had on hold

And those aren't things we really want in our bag.  Just sayin'.

Obviously there are small violations (like someone owes me five bucks) and large violations.  We can kind of deal with the small ones (I hope :-) ), it's the large ones where your life, or the life of someone you love, feels completely violated are the ones that are toughest.  Our emotions are tied into it... painful emotions too...  and it's tough.  Does that mean that we have a pass?  

Not really.  Here's why.  

1. Selfishly, if we don't forgive that other person we are ultimately allowing that person to hold a piece of our heart captive, and I don't think any of us want to be captive to anyone or allow anyone that hurts you to control you.
2. If we are a follower of Jesus, then out of our modeling what Jesus did we should forgive the people that hurt us.  It's what He was about. 
3. If you are a little turned back at #2 and respond with "well, that's all great and all, but Jesus is God and doesn't understand how I feel.  I can't possibly do that!", just remember that Jesus when he was living on earth with a body experienced at least as much hurt as you and I will, and not only that the forgiveness that he extends to us is attached to six long hours of suffering on a Roman cross plus all of the mocking, beating, etc.  When we forgive others, we absorb the pain that has been inflicted on us, and we don't demand payback from the offender.  Nobody, and I mean, nobody understands that more than Jesus.  

It's still tough, but it's worth it though.  However, knowing that forgiving people that have wronged you  is "good for you" (like exercise and eating broccoli) doesn't make it easy.  From my experience, preaching to the present me and I'm sure the future me (life tends to put these opportunities in our path), here are some tips that I've found helpful.  

1. Forgiveness is first an act of the will, exercised over and over, before the feelings follow.  You have to decide to forgive before you will feel like you've forgiven (this is one reason present me recommends at least a two month moratorium on communication with someone you've broken up with before restoring communications... there's usually some very emotionally charged stuff in play that needs God to heal before you can talk... or write letters... again.)
2. We need God to really forgive another... forgiveness comes from God through the costly death of His Son, and we need God's power to enable us to pay the costly price required to set another free from their debt.   
3. Only forgiven people (really) forgive.  Deal with your own issues before addressing others, and approach forgiveness as someone who's been forgiven by the God to whom we owed a much costlier debt.  
4. Don't wait for the person to ask for it... in many cases they may not be aware that you were hurt like you were and quite possibly the pain that they inflicted on you likely rose out of their own brokenness (which they are likely unaware of).  You can't be responsible for their apology, only for your releasing yourself from the bitterness.  
5. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we don't set firm boundaries.  Understand that boundaries are there to enable us to live as whole people and give out of how God designed us. Boundary setting is not hateful, it is actually loving (so I'm told :) ). 
6. And lastly, the person you may need to forgive is yourself.  

Okay... it's hard.  It doesn't "feel" right.  But... at the end of the day. 

You and I get free when we truly forgive, and not allow anyone to own our emotions.  Free to do what?

Free to truly be the person we were meant to be.  

Don't you want that?

I do.  Oh yeah, I do.