Counter Productive?
Yesterday, I saw a billboard sign on the way to work on 285 that caught my attention.
It said: "Spouse Cheating?" and was inlaid with a graphic of a gigantic magnifying glass with some information to call a private investigator to spy on the supposedly cheating partner.
My first thought when I saw that was: Why would anyone that's in this situation that is truly interested in saving their marriage call someone like that? I'm pretty sure that if your goal is to reconcile that this would be the last thing on your mind.
I later thought that this was actually a good example of the kind of person that I read about in Romans 2 as I've been going through my quiet times there. This is the part that I'm thinking about:
"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" - Romans 2:1-4
The pushback, of course, to this whole discussion would be (assuming I'm talking to a guy friend here)... "Well, she's cheating. Or... I've heard she's cheating. I can't trust her! So I'm going to find out... and then if I'm right than she's got something coming to her." And you know, if you're in a marriage and your spouse has been unfaithful, then in a world of "you do to me and I'll do to you" tit-for-tat that would be a perfectly justified response.
But if you're (guys, swap for girls) expecting to have a conversation with her where her response to the tone of "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry... I know I've messed up and I want to work through our marriage. Please forgive me. I'll do whatever it takes... let's find a counselor and work this out." Which entry point is going to give you the most success in working towards restoration?
"Honey, I heard that..... I gotta know, and please know that whatever you've done, I still love you, have forgiven you, and want to work through this to be the kind of man to you that Christ has been to me." -or-
"I've got these pictures! Yeah, I hired an investigator. I know where you've been! Please explain yourself!"
Like the man in Romans 2, when someone in that situation pulls out the pictures, he did the same thing to her that she did to him. He betrayed the trust of his marriage. He acted in judgement toward her and while he didn't have the affair, isn't the act of going behind her back and getting someone to spy on her not just as betraying to the trust of his marriage? Yeah, he may have been in the right, but is he.. really?
And if you and I were in this circumstance would say "Yeah, but... she cheated," or "Yeah, but... she promised to be faithful to me and she wasn't" or "yeah, but... I wasn't the one who slept around." And you know what, we may possibly be justified in that. There is only one problem.
That's NOT what God did to us.
If God just simply watched us to continue on in our sinfulness and allowed us to all go to Hell, then our "Yeah, buts" when it comes to forgiveness would be justified. But he didn't do that did he?
What He did do was that he stepped into our situation, put His Son up on the cross to pay for our sins and invites us into an eternal, blissful relationship with Him based on that gianormous sacrifice Jesus paid for us and His perfection... he did for us what the family in The Blind Side (a true story, btw) did for Michael Oher. They invited him out of the slums and into their family. He accepted their invitation and received the privilege of being "in the family." And when you really think about what God did for us, you and I really don't have much excuse to, when we've been betrayed, act in judgement but instead we should do for them what Christ has done for us. We show mercy, because we have ourselves if we know Christ have been shown a LOT of mercy.
And you know what is also true? This works even in healthy marriages. The people I know that are in healthy, vibrant marriages know how hard that relationship is to maintain are are intentional both in investing in the relationship and making sure that trust issues are communicated, dealt with, and mutually forgiven when they are small. Dating and continuing to invest in and pursue your wife is not always easy... life gets busy, especially when kids are in the mix, but it's the only way to keep the fire alive. None of us is perfect (aren't you glad :-) ).
Additionally, there is really nothing that, when you think about the extent of grace we've received, that can't be forgiven. It's all about perspective. So what is really more important: To be RIGHT? -or- To live in community and relationship?
One way may give you a good leg to stand on but very lonely. The other way may require some humbling and not always feel good, but I think you may find yourself happier at the end of the day :-)
A while back, I found this was true of myself. I can speak from experience that judgementalism does nothing to endear you to other people and even less to draw you closer to God. In fact, it does just the opposite. When I realized that I needed to let go and forgive, what I found was that I was the person that was freed and that I could then receive in my heart the mercy that God has given me. He has invited me to live in the mansion of His grace, and now I can live there freely and without guilt. It's a good place to be.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything.
It said: "Spouse Cheating?" and was inlaid with a graphic of a gigantic magnifying glass with some information to call a private investigator to spy on the supposedly cheating partner.
My first thought when I saw that was: Why would anyone that's in this situation that is truly interested in saving their marriage call someone like that? I'm pretty sure that if your goal is to reconcile that this would be the last thing on your mind.
I later thought that this was actually a good example of the kind of person that I read about in Romans 2 as I've been going through my quiet times there. This is the part that I'm thinking about:
"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" - Romans 2:1-4
The pushback, of course, to this whole discussion would be (assuming I'm talking to a guy friend here)... "Well, she's cheating. Or... I've heard she's cheating. I can't trust her! So I'm going to find out... and then if I'm right than she's got something coming to her." And you know, if you're in a marriage and your spouse has been unfaithful, then in a world of "you do to me and I'll do to you" tit-for-tat that would be a perfectly justified response.
But if you're (guys, swap for girls) expecting to have a conversation with her where her response to the tone of "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry... I know I've messed up and I want to work through our marriage. Please forgive me. I'll do whatever it takes... let's find a counselor and work this out." Which entry point is going to give you the most success in working towards restoration?
"Honey, I heard that..... I gotta know, and please know that whatever you've done, I still love you, have forgiven you, and want to work through this to be the kind of man to you that Christ has been to me." -or-
"I've got these pictures! Yeah, I hired an investigator. I know where you've been! Please explain yourself!"
Like the man in Romans 2, when someone in that situation pulls out the pictures, he did the same thing to her that she did to him. He betrayed the trust of his marriage. He acted in judgement toward her and while he didn't have the affair, isn't the act of going behind her back and getting someone to spy on her not just as betraying to the trust of his marriage? Yeah, he may have been in the right, but is he.. really?
And if you and I were in this circumstance would say "Yeah, but... she cheated," or "Yeah, but... she promised to be faithful to me and she wasn't" or "yeah, but... I wasn't the one who slept around." And you know what, we may possibly be justified in that. There is only one problem.
That's NOT what God did to us.
If God just simply watched us to continue on in our sinfulness and allowed us to all go to Hell, then our "Yeah, buts" when it comes to forgiveness would be justified. But he didn't do that did he?
What He did do was that he stepped into our situation, put His Son up on the cross to pay for our sins and invites us into an eternal, blissful relationship with Him based on that gianormous sacrifice Jesus paid for us and His perfection... he did for us what the family in The Blind Side (a true story, btw) did for Michael Oher. They invited him out of the slums and into their family. He accepted their invitation and received the privilege of being "in the family." And when you really think about what God did for us, you and I really don't have much excuse to, when we've been betrayed, act in judgement but instead we should do for them what Christ has done for us. We show mercy, because we have ourselves if we know Christ have been shown a LOT of mercy.
And you know what is also true? This works even in healthy marriages. The people I know that are in healthy, vibrant marriages know how hard that relationship is to maintain are are intentional both in investing in the relationship and making sure that trust issues are communicated, dealt with, and mutually forgiven when they are small. Dating and continuing to invest in and pursue your wife is not always easy... life gets busy, especially when kids are in the mix, but it's the only way to keep the fire alive. None of us is perfect (aren't you glad :-) ).
Additionally, there is really nothing that, when you think about the extent of grace we've received, that can't be forgiven. It's all about perspective. So what is really more important: To be RIGHT? -or- To live in community and relationship?
One way may give you a good leg to stand on but very lonely. The other way may require some humbling and not always feel good, but I think you may find yourself happier at the end of the day :-)
A while back, I found this was true of myself. I can speak from experience that judgementalism does nothing to endear you to other people and even less to draw you closer to God. In fact, it does just the opposite. When I realized that I needed to let go and forgive, what I found was that I was the person that was freed and that I could then receive in my heart the mercy that God has given me. He has invited me to live in the mansion of His grace, and now I can live there freely and without guilt. It's a good place to be.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything.
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