The Friend Zone
I've been thinking about this recently, and a conversation I had with a married friend of mine about this topic got me thinking about the "F-word" in relationships. You know it.
"Let's be..." (I can see you cringing now :-) )
Friends.
My friend told me, "You know that once you're friends you never get back." That may be true, but sometimes when you're interested in, or have gone out with a great girl a couple of times and "something" is not right which you can't put your finger on - sometimes surrendering the romantic is the right thing to do. Obviously, there is risk to it, but it is in my opinion the most honoring thing to do for the other person too.
Even if it may be the "kiss of death." Perhaps this is why I'm still single. Ha! I'll get to that in a second.
Being an expert on being friends with women (in my own mind), in my opinion there are four or five "friend dynamics" (from a guy's perspective... or one guy's perspective :) ). Here's the list:
She wants to be friends but you want more. This can be a fairly frustrating place to be depending on your level of infatuation with this person. Usually this can be stated explicitly if you've asked her out and she says "no" (at least you tried) or if the girl refers to you as "friend" or "buddy." My advice on this one, if you like spending time with her, don't take this as rejection but evaluate whether you "can" surrender your desire and just be friends with her. Regardless, maintain your boundaries because she may push buttons you don't want (or need) pushed depending on how outgoing she is. You should enjoy her friendship but manage your expectations and surrender your desire to God.
You want to be friends but she wants more. This is hard to gauge, honestly, because women really do want to be pursued and may not tell you outright if she is interested. Playfulness may be flirting or just friendliness, depending on the person (God didn't make us all alike, you know). In this case, maintain your boundaries and if you're really interested in being her friend don't make her feel "less than" because you're not interested in that way. Be her friend, but be aware that you could push buttons and respect her heart.
You went out before, but it didn't seem to work out. This can be interesting, and in my experience it really only works if you were a.) honest with each other when you dated, and b.) you hadn't been too invested in the "dating" before. I have some great female friends that started out as dates - mostly the "three date wonder" as I liken it (it lasts about 3 dates, we had fun, liked each other but didn't pursue a relationship for whatever reason). In this case, boundaries and communication have been huge because at some level interest and attraction is or was there at some point; but what's really cool if you can actually be friends after dating is that if you did it right you probably know this person better than a lot of your other female friends.
She wants to date you, but you're too chicken to ask her out. If you're that guy and you want to ask her out, then do it. You're that guy that all Christian girls groan about. She's not going to think less of you if you ask her on a date.
You're like brother and sister and both never thought about dating. This is pretty cool, seriously. But my advice is when you click this well with a girl that you totally think of as a buddy and she thinks of you the same, to be aware that your friendship may make other girls that you may want to ask out wonder if you and your buddy are dating. If you're "that guy" in category #4 then this can keep you single for a while (just saying).
I'm sure there are others, but these cover most of the bases. If I missed anything, feel free to comment.
Of course, this whole discussion begs the question that was asked in "When Harry Met Sally," which is "can men and women actually be friends?" And I mean, real friends.
I truly believe the answer is yes (at least in the season of singleness - when I'm married, my one female friend WILL be my wife, as it should be :-) ). In fact, I believe that having a healthy balance as a single person (read my parenthesis above) is having trusted friends of the opposite gender. First of all, us guys are clueless sometimes about women and we need that perspective sometimes to keep us from doing relationally stupid things sometimes. Can I get an amen?
And the second question that most guys (maybe some girls too - but I'm speaking to my people now) that are in one of the "I like her" zones above want to ask: "Is there any way out of the friend zone?" To answer that question, I would quote Jesus who told Peter after he made a snarky comment about it being impossible for anyone to receive eternal life after Jesus told his audience that it would be "easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle than for a rich man to enter into Heaven" (which is the prevailing opinion of guys - and maybe some girls - about getting out of the friend zone) when he said, "With God all things are possible." And isn't it true that we would rather believe and trust in God and have a great story to tell than try to force something on our own and have a not-so-great story to tell?
This is the hard thing I have to do when I go here, whether because it's how I feel God leading me or if I get led there some other way, is that I cannot ever, ever, ever be friends with a girl (especially a girl I'm attracted to) expecting that she will one day change. If I am going to call her a friend and act as a friend, then I do this expecting nothing in return other than the friendship she desires. To do otherwise would seem (and probably is) somewhat manipulative and who wants to be manipulated? It doesn't foster trust, which ultimately is what a solid relationship has to be based on, well.... err... hmmmmm. It means I have to, if I like her...
Surrender.
Give my desire to God and ask Him to transform it, and to give me something better.
Be willing to step out in your dating life to meet and date other people, involve myself in ministry, live a full life... all of the things that I do now as a single person. My life has not been put on hold, and I hope that if you're single and reading this that this is true of you.
And here's the deal... there's no guarantee that she will one day see you or I differently. It's probably the chances Lloyd had with Mary in Dumb & Dumber (like one in a million). The odds are WAY against it. It still means that God will provide something better; a relationship with your future wife enhanced because you know how to relate to women (as a result of these friendships in our single season), the patience that comes with waiting on God with no expectations other than His presence, and even if He doesn't provide any of those other things, He will give us more of what our hearts are truly aching for....
More of Himself.
On the romantic "switch" - who knows? It has happened before. You've heard great stories - and the truth about all that we desire for ourselves is that when the timing was right, it was just natural. I won't try to explain it - let's just call it a God thing.
And since I'm not an expert, I'll just trust my married friends who tell me "well, Chris, when it's right you'll just know." Given that I'm not married or in a relationship right now, I'll just take that on faith and wait.
Besides, in Jesus I got all the love I need. A romantic relationship, that's icing.
"Let's be..." (I can see you cringing now :-) )
Friends.
My friend told me, "You know that once you're friends you never get back." That may be true, but sometimes when you're interested in, or have gone out with a great girl a couple of times and "something" is not right which you can't put your finger on - sometimes surrendering the romantic is the right thing to do. Obviously, there is risk to it, but it is in my opinion the most honoring thing to do for the other person too.
Even if it may be the "kiss of death." Perhaps this is why I'm still single. Ha! I'll get to that in a second.
Being an expert on being friends with women (in my own mind), in my opinion there are four or five "friend dynamics" (from a guy's perspective... or one guy's perspective :) ). Here's the list:
She wants to be friends but you want more. This can be a fairly frustrating place to be depending on your level of infatuation with this person. Usually this can be stated explicitly if you've asked her out and she says "no" (at least you tried) or if the girl refers to you as "friend" or "buddy." My advice on this one, if you like spending time with her, don't take this as rejection but evaluate whether you "can" surrender your desire and just be friends with her. Regardless, maintain your boundaries because she may push buttons you don't want (or need) pushed depending on how outgoing she is. You should enjoy her friendship but manage your expectations and surrender your desire to God.
You want to be friends but she wants more. This is hard to gauge, honestly, because women really do want to be pursued and may not tell you outright if she is interested. Playfulness may be flirting or just friendliness, depending on the person (God didn't make us all alike, you know). In this case, maintain your boundaries and if you're really interested in being her friend don't make her feel "less than" because you're not interested in that way. Be her friend, but be aware that you could push buttons and respect her heart.
You went out before, but it didn't seem to work out. This can be interesting, and in my experience it really only works if you were a.) honest with each other when you dated, and b.) you hadn't been too invested in the "dating" before. I have some great female friends that started out as dates - mostly the "three date wonder" as I liken it (it lasts about 3 dates, we had fun, liked each other but didn't pursue a relationship for whatever reason). In this case, boundaries and communication have been huge because at some level interest and attraction is or was there at some point; but what's really cool if you can actually be friends after dating is that if you did it right you probably know this person better than a lot of your other female friends.
She wants to date you, but you're too chicken to ask her out. If you're that guy and you want to ask her out, then do it. You're that guy that all Christian girls groan about. She's not going to think less of you if you ask her on a date.
You're like brother and sister and both never thought about dating. This is pretty cool, seriously. But my advice is when you click this well with a girl that you totally think of as a buddy and she thinks of you the same, to be aware that your friendship may make other girls that you may want to ask out wonder if you and your buddy are dating. If you're "that guy" in category #4 then this can keep you single for a while (just saying).
I'm sure there are others, but these cover most of the bases. If I missed anything, feel free to comment.
Of course, this whole discussion begs the question that was asked in "When Harry Met Sally," which is "can men and women actually be friends?" And I mean, real friends.
I truly believe the answer is yes (at least in the season of singleness - when I'm married, my one female friend WILL be my wife, as it should be :-) ). In fact, I believe that having a healthy balance as a single person (read my parenthesis above) is having trusted friends of the opposite gender. First of all, us guys are clueless sometimes about women and we need that perspective sometimes to keep us from doing relationally stupid things sometimes. Can I get an amen?
And the second question that most guys (maybe some girls too - but I'm speaking to my people now) that are in one of the "I like her" zones above want to ask: "Is there any way out of the friend zone?" To answer that question, I would quote Jesus who told Peter after he made a snarky comment about it being impossible for anyone to receive eternal life after Jesus told his audience that it would be "easier for a camel to go through the eye of the needle than for a rich man to enter into Heaven" (which is the prevailing opinion of guys - and maybe some girls - about getting out of the friend zone) when he said, "With God all things are possible." And isn't it true that we would rather believe and trust in God and have a great story to tell than try to force something on our own and have a not-so-great story to tell?
This is the hard thing I have to do when I go here, whether because it's how I feel God leading me or if I get led there some other way, is that I cannot ever, ever, ever be friends with a girl (especially a girl I'm attracted to) expecting that she will one day change. If I am going to call her a friend and act as a friend, then I do this expecting nothing in return other than the friendship she desires. To do otherwise would seem (and probably is) somewhat manipulative and who wants to be manipulated? It doesn't foster trust, which ultimately is what a solid relationship has to be based on, well.... err... hmmmmm. It means I have to, if I like her...
Surrender.
Give my desire to God and ask Him to transform it, and to give me something better.
Be willing to step out in your dating life to meet and date other people, involve myself in ministry, live a full life... all of the things that I do now as a single person. My life has not been put on hold, and I hope that if you're single and reading this that this is true of you.
And here's the deal... there's no guarantee that she will one day see you or I differently. It's probably the chances Lloyd had with Mary in Dumb & Dumber (like one in a million). The odds are WAY against it. It still means that God will provide something better; a relationship with your future wife enhanced because you know how to relate to women (as a result of these friendships in our single season), the patience that comes with waiting on God with no expectations other than His presence, and even if He doesn't provide any of those other things, He will give us more of what our hearts are truly aching for....
More of Himself.
On the romantic "switch" - who knows? It has happened before. You've heard great stories - and the truth about all that we desire for ourselves is that when the timing was right, it was just natural. I won't try to explain it - let's just call it a God thing.
And since I'm not an expert, I'll just trust my married friends who tell me "well, Chris, when it's right you'll just know." Given that I'm not married or in a relationship right now, I'll just take that on faith and wait.
Besides, in Jesus I got all the love I need. A romantic relationship, that's icing.
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