Breaking Up Well

There are a few fortunate/blessed people out there that have never and will never feel the pain of having a romantic relationship end.  I've heard stories (like Louie's), and honestly I am a little envious.

The rest of us mere mortals have loved and lost... or things didn't work out with someone that we
invested a chunk of our life with.  This is probably more normal... in fact I heard (or read) somewhere that the eHarmony guy Dr. Neil Clark Warren estimates that the average person will date 100 people (I think that includes those blind coffee dates, so don't worry) and have a serious relationship with 6 people before they get married.  Ok - wow... that's a lot of "well, I'm not that into you" and "well, I'm sorry but it's not you it's me" type of conversations.  

And can I tell you, breaking up (doesn't matter if you are the dump-er, the dump-ee, or it was mutual) really stinks.  It may be the best decision, but it still stinks.  

And it creates hurt and emotions that take time to process.  Kind of makes me glad I'm not divorced.  After a few relationship endings, I wouldn't want to go through that mess.  

In my experience, being friends after the breakup is a challenge.  I think it's because of the emotions involved in going from really being in love to really being not (or at least one of you).  Let's be honest, at the end of the day we can really only truly be "best friends" with one person of the opposite sex, and that's our future spouse, so any really intimate friendship isn't really wise anyway.  But, is it possible that a breakup can result in a future, respect-driven friendship with that person?  

I think it's possible... but only if we are wise in how we relate to the person we dated after the breakup.  

I'm not speaking with a whole lot of experiential wisdom on this front... only with grace that God has given me, but it is possible.  I know this because I've seen it happen and God has blessed me in this way (so I'm not totally speaking out of "don't do what I did").  But here's what I would recommend:

1. Give yourself at least 2 months (maybe more, but at least this long) before you communicate again with the other person in any way once you've had the "stuff exchange" (because in most cases she has stuff that belongs to you in her place and vise-versa).  Here's why:  you're not thinking straight emotionally and I almost guarantee that you'll say something you will indeed regret if you try to process something with the other person before you've had a chance to emotionally separate yourself from the relationship.  A little confession:  one of my greatest regrets, repeated (once I got grace... and a LOT of it... from the girl, once I did not), was writing a long, emotionally charged letter to her within 2 to 3 weeks of the breakup.  Nothing good came out of it other than hurt.  So - if you need to process, find a trusted friend that will keep confidence, find a counselor, but don't talk to your ex when the breakup is fresh.  
2. Use that season of your life to process with trusted people and let God speak into your life.  Don't pass up on the opportunity to let God leverage pain for good (Romans 8:28)
3. Take a break from dating while you're processing. No girl or guy wants to be a rebound.  I know this sounds really cliche and "Christian-y", but this is the ideal time to date Jesus.  
4. Get connected with friends!!  If you have mutual friends (most likely you do), understand that your social life is going to be weird for a while... don't be offended if you don't get invited to a party that your ex is going to be at; or expect to be invited to everything because you need space and they want to see him/her too.  At the end of the day, be sure you're connected.  Life isn't good done alone.  
5. When you're ready to talk (somehow you'll just know and there'll be an awkward, almost feeling forced, encounter when you haven't seen or talked to the person in several weeks or even months), always seek grace and never understanding.  This was something God showed me early this year... you can't expect closure but you can ask for forgiveness.  Asking for forgiveness with no strings attached is a really vulnerable position to put yourself in... and it can be really powerful.  

This is, if I may, a few things I've learned.  Fortunately in the first part of this year at Passion 2013, God gave me something really awesome; which was he allowed me to reconnect and actually gain (over time) forgiveness, grace, and (perhaps) friendship with a girl that I really respect and admire.  And yes, I made the "write a letter after 2 weeks" mistake; and we talked about it (which is one way I know how big of a mistake it was).  Other than that, I think I did well... of course this is with months worth of hindsight.  But honestly, with a lot of grace withstanding, I do credit why I am able to legitimately call this sweet girl a friend has a lot to do with some intentional boundary-keeping, and a lot of grace. And honestly getting to see her life up close for a year (plus after we stopped dating) has informed in many ways how I evaluate the character of the girls that I am dating today.  Dating someone that really loves Jesus (and you can tell) will do that (but that's another blog post).  

As you can probably read in some of my dating blog posts, I do want to get married one day - and I still believe even today that it'll be awesome and pray that it will happen.  In light of that, all of our opposite sex friendships except for one -  the ones that are beyond the surface - are for a season.  However, the practice of healing broken parts of our heart, seeking forgiveness, and placing boundaries on potentially damaging relationships are all disciplines that this season of our life can teach us.  And getting the opportunity to learn those skills before marriage is a gift of grace.  

And perhaps my experience and half-witted wisdom may help someone one day (who knows when that temptation to write the letter too soon, or text, or whatever pops in the head); perhaps me again too (who knows?).  But also, I hope that in looking back one day when I'm talking to my kids about "how I met their mother" I can look back to great girls that were allowed to be part of my story for a season and (I hope) thank for how well I love my wife one day.  As sons and daughters of the King, I'm thankful that that fact overrides dating relationships, and that God can use anything, even a "this didn't work out" for His good in our lives if we will invite Him into that part of our story.  

Which is, because we know, ultimately a sub-plot of God's bigger story that we're cameo-ing in.  And how cool will it be when we see how it all fits together?