Quick thought about "The Nail" video
I finally watched this video this morning, and like probably most guys that have seen it that have been on the other side of the conversation like this...
We laughed.
And were glad, if we were at home, that no one was around.
Especially a woman :-)
All of us guys that either are married, in relationships, or have been in relationships before have been in this precarious predicament before. (I'll talk from my perspective) Our girlfriend opens up about something that's really bothering her, she's obviously distraught about it, and we in our infinite (and supposedly objective) wisdom can see the solution to the problem obviously staring us in the face.
Supposedly. It's like... "what you really need is... to take the nail out of your head."
And honestly, let's give ourselves some credit because we do mean well and as guys we are natural problem solvers. We're pretty smart (in our own minds) and can figure out how to make things better, and we believe (at least I tend to) that if she'd take my advice, everything would be better.
And all of us that have had that conversation know that almost 95% of the time (all internet stats are accurate you know :-) ) this conversation doesn't go well for us, and usually ends up getting us either,
We laughed.
And were glad, if we were at home, that no one was around.
Especially a woman :-)
All of us guys that either are married, in relationships, or have been in relationships before have been in this precarious predicament before. (I'll talk from my perspective) Our girlfriend opens up about something that's really bothering her, she's obviously distraught about it, and we in our infinite (and supposedly objective) wisdom can see the solution to the problem obviously staring us in the face.
Supposedly. It's like... "what you really need is... to take the nail out of your head."
And honestly, let's give ourselves some credit because we do mean well and as guys we are natural problem solvers. We're pretty smart (in our own minds) and can figure out how to make things better, and we believe (at least I tend to) that if she'd take my advice, everything would be better.
And all of us that have had that conversation know that almost 95% of the time (all internet stats are accurate you know :-) ) this conversation doesn't go well for us, and usually ends up getting us either,
- into an argument.
- apologizing for something we said and/or did,
- in timeout trouble, or (and most likely)
- All of the above.
Okay, assume we're right. What does she need from us, especially since "she" doesn't speak dude?
As frustrating as it is to us, she (many times) doesn't want us to "fix" anything. She wants us to listen. Now this can be frustrating, as it was for this guy, when the problem we see from our heroic vantage point is as obvious as a nail in the head.
When we swoop in to fix it... we don't really fix it. Well, we may... but what could end up happening could be much worse.
We could end up de-valuing her feelings, and in the end devaluing her. This, my friends, is a much less desirable outcome than the frustration of not being able to pull the nail out.
And what's, honestly, more important to you who love your wife or girlfriend... that she get "fixed" or that she feels loved and valued by you?
Having made mistakes, as most of us that have gone to bat have, I'd prefer that she feel valued.
Wouldn't you?
I would. And perhaps, if she does feel loved, cherished, and valued (even while we are frustrated about the nail) - perhaps that's more important - one day she'll feel that it's safe to come and let us pull the nail out.
A few thoughts from your fellow clueless guy :-)
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