After Dinner Club, I suppose I had to share...

I got one of the biggest compliments that I think I could get from a friend of mine.  We were standing outside of Urban Flats after a dinner club outing, and we got to talking about "nuggets of wisdom" - which was a question in my "Guess Who?" get-to-know-you game that got vetoed - and this friend tells me that the best piece of wisdom that he's heard actually came from...

I couldn't believe it.  I think I'm pretty smart, but that's a big compliment.  When I heard him rehash the conversation we had on the way back from Labor Day Retreat, the light bulb turned on.  I suppose that if what I shared on the long, 9 hour drive home from Destin was worthy of my friend bringing it up in front of a group, then I should probably share on my blog as well.

The idea came from something said at LDR by Joel Thomas at the opening session.  He said something about the fallacy of "Dating to get married" that I have always known but have never heard it talked about in such a high-profile place or as eloquently as Joel said it.  Let me see if I can actually articulate it... that "dating in order to get married" falls incredibly short of God's intention for relationships, and when we peel back the layers of the onion and look at God's design, then the reality is the goal of dating (and you can say of all relationships in Christ) is "oneness" and not a goal or status or getting to a particular "stage of life."

It would take me many pages to unpack that, or explain that.  Those of us at LDR knew that we had been given a lot to chew on there.  However, I'll give you one of my thoughts on that:  That if the goal of dating is simply to "get married" then that could lead to something like this quote from When Harry Met Sally (which is a sad statement about relationships):




"Next day she said she's thought about it, and she wants a trialseparation.  She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date.  Likethis is supposed to cushion the blow.  I mean I got married so I can stopdating.  So I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive since thelast thing you want to do is date your wife, who's suppose to love you" 
- Harry from "When Harry Met Sally"
You think that this is a ridiculous statement, but if you approach "dating" as a process to pick a spouse and then you get married... well then what?  Well, if you take this at face value then when you get married you quit dating.  If you're a guy (which is my vantage point), you quit pursuing, quit cherishing, quit being intentional in your relationship.  What happens when that happens?  The relationship, which was so alive during the courtship when the pursuit was on, starts to become routine and can be in danger of dying a slow death.  
Noodling on that reality and the paragdim shift of what was spoken and backed up from scripture, how would that impact how I view my own dating life as a single and in the future?  In reality, if the goal of relationships is "oneness" and if dating is not "to get married," then it is natural to assume that I would never, ever quit dating.  In fact, I would want to pursue my future wife when she is my wife just as much and with as much intentionality as I would when we were just getting to know each other and hanging out... as much as when we would start dating... and as much as I would when engaged.  Why would "dating" ever stop when the vows are given and the rings are exchanged?  In fact, the new relationship should give the heart pursuit that much more energy because this person is who I would believe to be my soulmate... right?  If the heart pursuit really does drive the energy in the relationship and dating is how we pursue, then to quit dating is to quit pursuing...  and we know instinctively where that goes.  
So never quit pursuing my friends... especially those who are married to their best friend.  It's worth it.
Now, for me and my single friends not yet "in relationships," what does this whole thing about dating being about oneness and not marriage mean for us?  I mean, you can only "be one" with one person, right?  I still have to evaluate a person to figure out if they are "the one" before investing in them, right?  You know, most of us will do coffee or lunch or whatever with a fair number of people before meeting that person, so that whole "oneness" thing really doesn't apply to those people, right?  I still have to play the games until I am "in"... right?
I believe that is wrong.  Here's the reason.
Guys (since I'm speaking as a guy), if you are going out with a girl that is a follower of Jesus Christ, then she IS your sister in Christ and not "just some girl I met at (wherever)."  What that means is that regardless of where your individual lives take you after that date, the goal of your interaction is still oneness in Christ.  This is something that Jesus prayed for his church, of which this person is one with you in that church.  Hear Jesus's own words on this one:
"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. "Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."
Jesus Christ -  John 17:20-26
So guess what?  Jesus prayed that all who follow Him would be one.  This is seemingly an impossible goal, but this is how He primarily told us that the world would clue in that this relationship with God through Christ thing is real.  Does this mean that we act unwisely and give every person we take to coffee unfettered access to our lives?  No.  We do have control over our own boundaries.  However, I think it does mean that the goal of every date you have the privilege of going on should be that the girl walks away from every date (regardless of whether you intend to continue in the relationship or not):

• Encouraged
• Affirmed
• Appreciated

In other words, that she is built up and feels better off from having spent time with you (I certainly hope that my future wife has had that kind of experience with the guys she meets/met before me).  

One day, if the odds hold up, we'll meet one that we click with and it'll be awesome.  And I hope that when we do that we'll want to date her until one of us dies, and even more passionately at the other side of the alter than at this one.  Imagine what the world would see out of our relationships and about our Awesome God if they see that lived out among those who love God and are called according to His purpose.  

It'd be a sight to see.  That's for sure.