Musings on Christian dating

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 5:1-2

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." - Ephesians 5:15-16

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." - Ephesians 5:21

Over the last few weeks, maybe longer - I'm not so sure, I have been in a number of conversations with friends of mine about dating in the church... or perhaps, why people in the church don't date or seem to be very closed about dating issues.  In fact, I think the frustration with a lot of Christian singles is not in the dating scene but in the lack of transparency in the dating scene.  

I believe this line of thought started for me with a conversation with a married friend of mine over breakfast a month ago... we got to talking about dating and he made the comment that "singles make this thing way too complicated" and relayed his own experience to me along those lines.  Additionally, in preparing to lead my small group on a lesson on Proverbs for this week, it caused me to question whether how Biblical this idea of "shotgun prolonged trial coupling" that we call "dating" we do in Christian circles is.  

Somehow, the idea outside of the church of... "if I like you I'll take you out no strings attached" seems to be more appropriate.  This is the classical dating that we don't seem to do much in the church, perhaps because we know better or some of us have been in that world of "one night stands" and "friends with benefits" and either a.) don't want to go back there, or b.) have an idea of where that can go and stay 10 miles away.  I agree, the part about sex without commitment is not good... but I'll lay a disclaimer that I committed to save myself for marriage when I was 12 and have kept that commitment, so I have no idea experientially where that goes and probably couldn't say something intelligent about it so I  won't :)

... but the idea of a not-so-much (or quasi) romantic experience without expectations is not outside of God's will.  In fact, it's probably the way that we obtained most, if not all, of our close friends today.  I do believe that the idea that there have to be "stated intentions" before a date can do two things... 1.) they immediately set an agenda for your interactions that box everything into a decision about the future most likely far earlier than it would be wise to do so (so the entire conversation focuses around your relationship when it could be far deeper), and 2.) they potentially put a barrier to your friendship should things "not work out" where you truly can't interact as friends later... and honestly I believe this is a tragedy especially among folks that Paul describes to me as a sister in Christ.  

So, why don't we date?  Seriously.  It's on all of our minds and yet it seems that many of us measure the distance between dates in measurements of months and years versus weeks.  So, what's the deal?  I do believe that, if dating is getting to know someone you may potentially be interested in getting to know deeper, that casual dating places (cafes, coffee houses, etc.) should be getting a bigger share of most Christian guys' wallets.  Based on conversations I have had and the collected wisdom of many anonymous people (since we're not all that transparent about this :), I won't expose you all :) ), here are my thoughts:

1.) Our standards are way too high... meaning, to merely go out and get coffee.  I am all for high standards for serious relationships, that's different.  But seriously, do we need to know that we would marry someone before taking her (or accepting date from him, girls) to Starbucks for a $4.00 latte?  This may be a little extreme, but if a date is a date and nothing more than a date, why make such a big deal about it?   The triple venti peppermint white chocolate mocha doesn't have to have a diamond ring attached to it, seriously.  

You Starbucks managers can thank me later if this boosts your business :)... free coffee is always appreciated. 

2.) We don't make ourselves very available to date.  This is where I do my female friends who tell me that "guys don't ask us out" a favor by telling my peeps to ASK GIRLS OUT!  It won't kill you, in fact it may actually grow your faith... it has mine.  Yes, you're risking some level of rejection (they can always say no.), but come on... this is what God did for you because He desired a relationship with YOU.  He didn't demand your devotion to Him but simply put himself out there with the offer of relationship... I'm sure it saddens Him when people don't take him up on it :-(.  

Girls, if you want one of us to ask you out, it's okay to flirt with us... if we like you we'll get the hint (at least most of us will :) ), and if we don't we'll still treat you well, at least those of us with class will, even if we're not interested.  

But seriously, romantic things happen with very simple things and the best marriages are built out of strong friendships that are kindled over time, but someone does have to make the move - no matter how small.  

3.) Another married friend of mine relates dating to marketing, and in a sense he's right even though I don't really like the analogy.  This means... take care of yourselves, your appearance, etc.  Anyone who says "(s)he has to like me for who I am" using it as an excuse to not work out, keep a messy house or car, wear clothes that are way out of style and should be given to Goodwill, or never invest in themselves intellectually or emotionally is kidding themselves.  The law of sowing and reaping applies to our own lives, we invest in growing our fields, and God will be faithful to bring increase... but if we don't tend our fields like the sluggard in Proverbs, we lose what we have.  

Static people don't stay static, they regress... and I would prefer to grow, even if there isn't a kiss below the mistletoe attached to it.  

4.) Respect yourself and treat yourself well... have a life.  Everyone wants to date and relate to people that have lives and have experiences they can share, so go make some :).  

I've probably gone on for too long now... hopefully this spurs some conversation and not necessarily helps my "date budget" to remain highly funded.  I do believe that, in all of these things, that Paul's encouragement to all of us as Christians as to how we should treat each other as bros and sis's in Christ 100% applies to dating... that we should be loving and imitate how Christ treats us with our interactions with the opposite sex, that we should be wise in our dating and take advantage of opportunities to meet and relate to new people, and that we should be utterly respectful and truthful with one another.  If we do all of these things, even if there is no DTR after date #3, I think we'll be okay :).

Cheers!

Chris